The Wisdom Beneath the Surface

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I wasn't expecting the session to be what it was.

I had booked a craniosacral session thinking it would be relaxing, gentle – something to support my nervous system. Nothing intense. Just a soft, comfortable experience in my physical body.

And thats how it started.

My therapist, Natasha, walked me to her room and stepped out so I could take a few moments to settle and ground on the table. I visualized myself in a circle of Light. I asked for my Higher Self and Source Energy to be present. I felt Natasha outside of the room, and I saw her in a circle of Light too. I asked that whatever needed to happen, let it be for my highest and best.

I gave my body permission to receive and relax.

I gave my mind permission to receive and relax.

This is something I typically guide my clients through when we begin our sessions. This time, I was doing it for me.

Once the session began, it was all very physical. Very relaxing at first. Gentle pressure, holding, soft touch, subtle movement. A deep breath from time to time. And then something shifted.

Memories started coming up. Old, old memories from my childhood.

Visually playing in my mind like a slide show.

I could see myself back in elementary school, maybe third or fourth grade. And I remembered how much I didn’t feel like I fit in.

I wasn't part of the “cool group”

I had short curly hair that looked like a mullet and I wasn't a cheerleader.

I played soccer, enjoyed riding my bike and lived in my imagination a lot of the time.

Even when I was invited to parties, I never felt like I was part of the click.

I started to feel so much for that version of me.

That little girl who already knew what it was like to feel left out.

To feel weird. Isolated.

And then there was this deep inner knowing.

“You were never meant to fit in.”

That moment hit.

I felt this mixture of grief and truth.

Like.. yes of course.

But also.. how do you explain that to a child?

I kept sending her love. And I started to feel very emotional.

Tears welled up. Not a big cry. Just a steady emotional release.

And for a quick moment, I started to go down the path of caregiver vs. care receiver.

Thinking, “Do I address what I’m feeling? Is she (Natasha) okay to hold this for me? Am I freaking her out? Does she know what to do?”

Deep breath.

Let it go. Let it be.

Natasha continued to intuitively hold me in the space. Allowing me to have my process. Trusting me to have my process.

And then it shifted again.

I started to think about how I was taught to survive.

How I was taught from my environment what it felt like to survive.

How I had to carry so much from such a young age.

The chaos at home. The abuse. The instability. The constant emotional dysregulation.

Being the child of divorced parents. Traveling between states.

Feeling like a ping pong ball.

Never really having a stable foundation.

Always in motion. Always adapting.

Always holding more that I should have ever had to hold.

Natasha was up at my head by this point. She was gently holding and rocking my head from right to left. Allowing the energy to move, to unwind.

And thats when the tears really started rolling out.

Thats when I realized, “Oh... I am having an experience.”

It was silent. It was sacred.

She didn’t say anything. She didn’t need to.

And that made me EVEN more emotional.

Because I realized how rare that was.

To be held like that.

Not physically, but energetically. Emotionally.

That kind of soft mother energy that I didn’t grow up with.

I felt the grief of that too.

The session was such a deep unraveling.

A remembering.

A holding.

Another deep breath.

Before the session began, I had one of my regulars reach out and ask if I could get her in today. It was my day off but she wasn't able to come in on the day she was originally scheduled. I told her that I would be at the wellness center receiving a session (where I work) and I could take her after I was finished. Giving myself a whole 15 minutes of in-between time after my session ended and hers was set to begin.

Towards the end of my session I started to think, “I need to cancel that appointment.”

It was very prevalent to me that I had moved through something deep.

Unearthed a little gem that was ready to come to the surface.

With a part of me really wanting to stay in that space of receiving.

But that other voice came in:

"You can do it. You’ll be fine. It’s just an hour and a half appointment. You’ll be able to relax afterwards."

And then another part of me spoke back.

The softer part.

The one I’ve been working on listening to more.

And she said,

“No. You need time and space to just Be.”

I went back and forth for a minute or so. Contemplating what I should do.

Ultimately, the softer side won and I made the decision right there that I would let my client know I wasn't able to accommodate her.

When the session ended and Natasha left the room, I laid for a moment. Sealing myself up. Seeing myself surrounded in that circle of Light once more. Thanking myself. Sending my self love.

When I got off the table I texted my client and let her know I needed time for myself.

She understood.

And I’m really proud of myself for choosing me.

I don’t often get to be the one receiving.

I hold space for others a lot of the time. I give. I guide. I support.

But to be held – to really be held – thats something I rarely experience.

This session reminded me how much I need that too.

It reminded me of why I love this work.

Why I’m so passionate about nervous system healing.

How silence can be medicine.

And how there is deep wisdom within each of us.

Waiting to be unearthed.

So, if you’re someone who gives a lot.

If you’re the one others go to for holding.

If you’re craving that space for yourself.

Let this be your reminder.

The deep wisdom is within you.

And you deserve to be held too.

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With Love,

Shylo